The Dangers of Groupon

I have a subscription to O, The Oprah Magazine, thanks to my mother, who likely considers the gift to be some form of parenting. As I'm sure Mom hoped, I have found a role model though the magazine: Gayle King. Through Gayle's column, "The World According to Gayle," I hope to learn the secret to finding a famous, filthy-rich best friend who puts me on her payroll and lets me jackdick around on whichever of her projects strikes my fancy at the moment.

My mother probably hoped I'd want to model myself after one of the more focused and independent Oprah apostles. Someone like Suze Orman, perhaps. Suze is way too shrill for me though, and kind of a spoilsport. She never wants anyone to have any fun. She's all, "pay down this" and "401(k) match that." Boring.

But I have to admit that Suze's January column spoke to me. She wrote about setting financial goals for 2012 and suggested that everyone choose one of her six recommended goals to focus on during the coming year. Several of the goals didn't apply to me, such as teaching my kids how to value money (I have no kids), or stopping treating financial windfalls as "splurge money" (what's a financial windfall?).

The fourth goal on her list, however, struck a note:

"curb my appetite for Groupon and LivingSocial"

I first learned about these companies last November when Kelley emailed me a link to a Groupon for laser hair removal. Setting aside her affront to my personal landscaping, I was intrigued by the fantastic deal. $890 worth of services for $140? Who cares what it is? Where do I sign?!?

Kelley and I began checking Groupon and LivingSocial daily. Between the two of us, we purchased a long list of deals, including:

• auto detailing
• trapeze classes
• The Body Shop
• G Street Fabrics & Home Decorating Center
• Mama Ayesha's Middle Eastern restaurant
• wine.com
• maid service
• West End Cinema
• amazon.com
• Whole Foods
• dental cleaning and x-rays
• Brazilian bikini wax

Whole Foods was a good one, and Kelley did need a teeth cleaning. But I have no idea how we're going to spend $300 at a fabric store when neither of us sew. Kelley's Brazil region was furious for a week after her wax (or so I was told). And I don't need to comment on the trapeze classes at all, right?

Bottom line: we spent more on unnecessary things than we saved on useful things, though I'm not sure I can put a price on my new-found knowledge of the contortions Kelley can do while hanging by her knees.

So, Suze Orman is right. In 2012, I can surely find better uses for my money than outrageous deals on gourmet chocolate tastings, Caribbean hotel packages, and yacht rentals.

Suze wants us all to focus on long-term security when we make financial decisions. I can't forget that my long-term goal is to snag my very own Oprah. To refocus my spending, I return to my idol, Gayle King, for advice.

In the January issue of O, Gayle reveals that she loves cupcakes, the color yellow, and these crystal-heeled Miu Miu pumps:

I found the pumps on net-a-porter for $1,200. Drat -- Suze definitely would not approve. Actually, Suze probably wouldn't approve of me spending $4 on a cupcake either, given the state of my personal finances. Looks like my best hope of morphing into Gayle is incorporating a ton of yellow into my wardrobe and home decor.

Good thing I have that $300 Groupon to G Street Fabrics.